my day at the zoo
yesterday, i went to the zoo with my friends. it was sunny and hot, like a big hotcake in the sky. we saw many animals, such as tigers, which are so fierce they roar like thunder, and monkeys, they swing from tree to tree like acrobats. the elephant was the biggest of all, it's as tall as a house! i fed them some carrots, but they didn't eat, maybe they wanted apples instead.
then, we visited the aquarium, there were colorful fishes swimming, they looked so happy in their watery home. one fish was red, another was blue, and a third one was green, it reminded me of my favorite crayons. there was also a huge shark, but it was sleeping, not moving at all, just like when i'm tired after school.
after that, we had ice cream, mine was strawberry flavored, sweet and cold, it melted in my mouth like snow on a hot day. but i spilled some on my shirt, oh no! my mom will be mad, i thought. so, i quickly wiped it off with my hand, but it only made the stain bigger.
we played on the swings too, i felt like flying, but i got dizzy after a while. that's why i love the zoo, it's full of surprises and fun, but next time, i'll remember to wear an old shirt for the ice cream!
老師點(diǎn)評(píng)
the narrative captures the essence of a child's experience at the zoo. however, there are a few grammatical errors and inconsistencies. for instance, 'hotcake' isn't typically used to describe the sun, and 'they didn't eat, maybe they wanted apples instead' lacks clarity. also, the transition from the aquarium to the ice cream incident could be smoother.
星級(jí)等級(jí) 四星
亮點(diǎn)分析
the essay effectively portrays the excitement and innocence of a child's visit to the zoo. the use of similes like 'roar like thunder' and 'acrobats' adds color to the story. the personal touch, like the ice cream mishap, makes it relatable.
優(yōu)化和改進(jìn)
the sentence about the tiger's roar could be refined: 'their roars echoed like distant thunder, making my heart race.' instead of abruptly transitioning to the ice cream, you could say, 'feeling adventurous, we left the animals to explore the nearby food stalls.'
修改后范文
yesterday, i ventured to the zoo with my friends under a blazing sun, its warmth reminding me of a freshly baked cake. we encountered tigers, their mighty roars resonating like distant thunder, and nimble monkeys swinging through branches like trapeze artists. the elephants, towering giants, were as tall as our house! offering them carrots, they seemed uninterested; perhaps, like us, they craved something different, like apples.
next, we stepped into the aquarium, where vibrant fish swam freely, their colors mirroring my box of crayons. a dozing shark,龐大的身形在靜謐中顯得威嚴(yán)。 afterward, we indulged in ice cream, my strawberry one melting on my tongue like snow on a summer day. unfortunately, i clumsily spilled some on my shirt, creating a mess. i hastily tried to clean it, only to worsen the stain, dreading my mother's reaction.
on the playground, i soared on the swings, momentarily believing i could touch the sky, until the spinning made me giddy. the zoo, with its surprises and laughter, is a playground of wonder. next time, i'll remember to bring a spare shirt for such sticky situations.
閱讀參考
- 'the tiger who came to tea' by judith kerr
- 'where the wild things are' by maurice sendak
- lessons on animal facts and behavior from science textbooks
- reading comprehension exercises focusing on transitions and cause-effect relationships.
注意，這篇修改后的作文保留了原作的天真爛漫，同時(shí)修正了語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，增強(qiáng)了故事的連貫性和生動(dòng)性。
提高作文寫作水平素材
相關(guān)詩(shī)句
1. 伯鸞長(zhǎng)嘯出東都，來(lái)卜龍邱二畝居。千歲仍昆作英語(yǔ)，五噫文采尚周馀。胸中萬(wàn)卷未得力，堂下一言誰(shuí)識(shí)渠。我亦微官方冷甚，恨無(wú)燕玉可相噓。
顧大小姐老師評(píng)語(yǔ)：
the narrative captures the essence of a child's experience at the zoo. however, there are a few grammatical errors and inconsistencies. for instance, 'hotcake' isn't typically used to describe the sun, and 'they didn't eat, maybe they wanted apples instead' lacks clarity. also, the transition from the aquarium to the ice cream incident could be smoother.
星級(jí)等級(jí) 四星
內(nèi)容亮點(diǎn)：
the essay effectively portrays the excitement and innocence of a child's visit to the zoo. the use of similes like 'roar like thunder' and 'acrobats' adds color to the story. the personal touch, like the ice cream mishap, makes it relatable.
優(yōu)化參考：
the sentence about the tiger's roar could be refined: 'their roars echoed like distant thunder, making my heart race.' instead of abruptly transitioning to the ice cream, you could say, 'feeling adventurous, we left the animals to explore the nearby food stalls.'
批改后作文
yesterday, i ventured to the zoo with my friends under a blazing sun, its warmth reminding me of a freshly baked cake. we encountered tigers, their mighty roars resonating like distant thunder, and nimble monkeys swinging through branches like trapeze artists. the elephants, towering giants, were as tall as our house! offering them carrots, they seemed uninterested; perhaps, like us, they craved something different, like apples.
next, we stepped into the aquarium, where vibrant fish swam freely, their colors mirroring my box of crayons. a dozing shark,龐大的身形在靜謐中顯得威嚴(yán)。 afterward, we indulged in ice cream, my strawberry one melting on my tongue like snow on a summer day. unfortunately, i clumsily spilled some on my shirt, creating a mess. i hastily tried to clean it, only to worsen the stain, dreading my mother's reaction.
on the playground, i soared on the swings, momentarily believing i could touch the sky, until the spinning made me giddy. the zoo, with its surprises and laughter, is a playground of wonder. next time, i'll remember to bring a spare shirt for such sticky situations.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
- "the tiger who came to tea" by judith kerr
- "where the wild things are" by maurice sendak
- lessons on animal facts and behavior from science textbooks
- reading comprehension exercises focusing on transitions and cause-effect relationships.
注意，這篇修改后的作文保留了原作的天真爛漫，同時(shí)修正了語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，增強(qiáng)了故事的連貫性和生動(dòng)性。
相關(guān)詩(shī)句
1. 伯鸞長(zhǎng)嘯出東都，來(lái)卜龍邱二畝居。千歲仍昆作英語(yǔ)，五噫文采尚周馀。胸中萬(wàn)卷未得力，堂下一言誰(shuí)識(shí)渠。我亦微官方冷甚，恨無(wú)燕玉可相噓。
