my sunday
it was a sunny sunday, and i woke up late, feeling lazy in my cozy bed. my mom shouted from downstairs, 'breakfast is ready!' i jumped out of bed, rushing to the kitchen with messy hair. the smell of pancakes filled the air, making my tummy rumble. i ate them hungrily, but i burnt my tongue, it felt like a hot coal. i should've waited for it to cool down, but i was too eager.
after breakfast, i decided to ride my bike to the park. my bike had a flat tire, so i had to pump it up. it took me longer than expected, as i kept losing count of the pumps. i thought i was done, but the tire still felt soft. eventually, i managed after many tries, though my arms were aching.
at the park, i played soccer with some friends. we didn't keep score, just played for fun. one time, i kicked the ball too hard, and it flew over the fence. we laughed, calling it a 'goal' even though it wasn't. we found the ball later, hidden behind a bush.
in the afternoon, i tried to do my homework. math was challenging, like solving a puzzle. i got stuck on one problem, staring at it blankly. suddenly, my dog jumped onto my lap, wagging his tail. i giggled and forgot about the math for a while, playing with him instead.
as evening fell, i helped mom cook dinner. i wanted to make spaghetti, but i burned the garlic. the smoke alarm went off, and we all panicked. mom quickly turned off the stove, and we opened windows, letting the smoke out. we ended up ordering pizza, laughing about our cooking adventure.
the day ended watching a movie with my family. i fell asleep halfway through, exhausted from the day's activities. sunday was full of ups and downs, but it was a good day.
老師評語：
這篇作文生動地描繪了一個普通周日的生活，語言雖略顯單薄，但充滿了生活氣息。作者成功地展現(xiàn)了日常生活中的小插曲，如燒焦的蒜頭和飛過圍欄的足球，這些都增加了故事的趣味性。
內(nèi)容亮點：
小作者巧妙地利用了日常生活的瑣事來構(gòu)建故事，如修自行車、公園玩耍等，這些細(xì)節(jié)使文章更具真實感。同時，文章中的一些小錯誤如“l(fā)ost count of the pumps”和“fell asleep halfway through”等，反而增加了文章的親切感，仿佛是小學(xué)生的真實記錄。
優(yōu)化參考：
文章的結(jié)構(gòu)可以更緊湊，例如在描述公園玩耍的部分，可以減少對球飛過圍欄的詳細(xì)描述，更多地聚焦于游戲的樂趣。同時，描述做數(shù)學(xué)作業(yè)的部分，可以更深入地展示思考過程，增加一些心理活動的描繪，使讀者更能理解小作者的心情。
批改后作文
標(biāo)題：my sunday
waking up to a sun-kissed room on sunday, i lingered in bed, basking in the warmth. hearing mom's breakfast call, i hastily descended, eager for those mouthwatering pancakes. however, my haste resulted in a burnt tongue, a scorching reminder to savor each bite.
after breakfast, i set out to fix my bike's punctured tire. the repetitive pumping seemed endless, but eventually, the tire regained its firmness. at the park, soccer game ensued, laughter filling the air. my powerful kick sent the ball soaring beyond the fence, an unintentional 'goal' that amused us all.
back home, homework awaited. math problems became my nemesis, one particular question stumping me. amidst my dilemma, my playful dog interrupted, his wagging tail stealing my focus. we spent a delightful moment together before resuming homework, the math problem now appearing less daunting.
dinnertime was a comedy of errors. attempting to cook spaghetti, i burnt the garlic, triggering a mini panic attack. we ended up enjoying a relaxed pizza night, the mishap turning into a shared memory.
the day concluded with a family movie night, where i succumbed to sleep halfway through, the day's excitement leaving me drained yet content.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
為了提高寫作水平，建議多閱讀《查理和巧克力工廠》等兒童文學(xué)作品，學(xué)習(xí)如何用生動的語言描繪生活場景。同時，可以研讀課本中的敘事文，如《草房子》等，學(xué)習(xí)如何通過細(xì)節(jié)展現(xiàn)人物情感和故事發(fā)展。此外，《小王子》中對生活小事的細(xì)膩描繪也是很好的學(xué)習(xí)素材。
